Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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