Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
