He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.