my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
