I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
