I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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