Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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