I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You took a bar mat shot.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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