im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
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I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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