I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
