I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
