Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
