My cat gives me a boner
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
