Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
