fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
