Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
