he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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