I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
