the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
