Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
