What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
