Don't make out with my wife yet
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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