In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
