Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
