Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
