I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
