Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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