ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
