i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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