1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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