i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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