Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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