You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
