you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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