I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
