i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
