..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
