Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
