sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize