Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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