I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
