Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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