Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
there is glitter all over my balls
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