god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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