my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
