i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
