Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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