This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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