Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
