smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
