if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
