We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
