She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
