I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
