Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
