don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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