I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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