i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
