I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
